Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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