Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
