I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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