And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
