Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just blew my weed a kiss
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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