There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
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