you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
