also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
