he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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