just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just pynch a tree in the face
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
