Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
