Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
