There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Can Purell be used as lube?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
3 2 1 whiskey
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
