My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
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This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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