Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
