You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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