I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
