Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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