if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
