I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
