I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
