he wants to bone in the snuggie
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
