Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
