maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Michael Bay diarrhea
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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