He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
