stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
