i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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