I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My balls are so social today.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
