im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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