For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
