dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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