I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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