So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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