I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
