I CAN MOONWALK!
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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