Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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