even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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