I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
