is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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