I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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