it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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