The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
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She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
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Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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