Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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