i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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