i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
