My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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