3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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