you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I enjoy the company of your penis
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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