Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
