am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
