shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
