I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
