Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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