i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
